Secret Wars

This is it! This week, Marvel finally blew up every universe! After years of pretending to have any remaining integrity, Stan Lee’s cryogenic head finally said yes to deleting the entire Marvel omniverse and replacing it with a planet that prints money.

Remember Earth-616, home of cultural milestones The Night Gwen Stacy Died and Days of Future Past? It’s gone! Dead! Blown up by The Beyonders and The Illuminati. And fans of the Ultimate Marvel Universe, don’t worry! It’s life support was finally cut off, and Miles Morales has been safely transplanted to something more profitable.

So what rises from the ashes of every Marvel universe being deleted at once? Battleworld! A patchwork planet of popular Marvel events, basically. There’s a Civil War continent, an Age of Ultron continent, and four separate Manhattan islands.

Really though this was a good idea, Earth-616 was old yeller and Marvel finally grew the balls to drag it out back and shoot it in the head. And don’t get me started on the Ultimate Universe, considering it was supposed to end during Loeb’s crime against humanity Ultimatum.

Basically, Marvel made their comic books even easier for inexperienced consumers to buy, because they were apparently too complex for Joe Everyman. Well now every comic will have a giant #1 on it, and none of it matters. Let’s party!

Cut myself open wide

Reach inside

Help yourself

To all I have to give

And then you help yourself again

And then complain that

You didn't like the way

I put the knife in wrong

You didn't like the way

My blood spilled on your brand new floor

- Mike Portnoy, former Dream Theater drummer/current Twisted Sister drummer