Dr. Pym or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Ride the Marvel Hype Train

“I’d ask ridiculous questions all the time. Peyton Reed, he just kept saying, ‘Dude, just do it.’ But I’d say, ‘I don’t understand. Does the mask go up this way or this way?’ And there’s a visual effects guy there and I want an answer. They got so tired of my questions: ‘So I don’t understand — If I was just over there, how did I get over here so quick?’ Reed would be like, ‘Cannavale, it’s a superhero movie, dude. Just do it!’ But I’d say, ‘Yeah, but do I have superhuman speed, because I was just three blocks away and now I’m here and I’m not even out of breath. Should I be out of breath?’ He’d be like, ‘Dude, it’s not ‘The Unbearable Lightness of Being.’ It’s just [frick]ing ‘Ant-Man’. Just say the line.’ Then it just became a joke. I had a blast. We laughed so much on that thing.”

Dude, it’s not ‘The Unbearable Lightness of Being.’ It’s just [frick]ing ‘Ant-Man’.

The words above these words come from Ant-Man director Peyton Reed, by way of co-star Bobby Cannavale. Peyton Reed is the 3rd director to be attached to the Ant-Man film, which has been in development hell since before the MCU even started. Peyton Reed’s previous credits include the Jim Carrey turd Yes Man, Bring it On, and Back to the Future: The Ride. In other words, Peyton Reed is a soulless, corporate yes-man who’s integrity only stretches as far as his bank account. This makes him the perfect director for Ant-Man.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Edgar Wright had a vision. Edgar Wright imagined an Ant-Man film that adapted the “To Steal An Ant-Man” story arc. Scott Lang, a career criminal desperate for redemption, steals the Ant-Man suit from Hank Pym in a desperate bid to save his daughter Cassie, who is dying from a rare and fatal heart condition.

Initially, Marvel bent over backwards for Edgar Wright to make this film. You know how in Avengers, Hawkeye and Black Widow are founding members of the team? You can thank Edgar Wright for that. Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne basically have a birthright to the core Avengers roster, but Marvel wrote them out so Edgar could make his precious Ant-Man film.

And then Edgar quits, appearing butt-blasted over “big corporations”. Who did he think he was fucking working for? Yes, Scott Pilgrim was awesome, but it was also a box office bomb. Edgar Wright is an incredibly talented director, with a great eye for what makes comic book movies work. But he’s also a liability. And rather acting like an adult and compromising after 12 years of constant compromise, he did the 21st century equivalent of shitting his pants and then blaming the diaper for not holding it well enough.

Honestly though, maybe Edgar Wright did Marvel a favor. They’ve always been embarrassed by the Ant-Man character, specifically Hank Pym. Dr. Pym’s resume includes creating Ultron, discovering Pym Particles, and founding a superjail located in the N-Zone. None of these facts matter to the pop-culture omniverse, however. His real legacy? Beating his wife. Spider-Man is a troubled teenager, Daredevil is blind, and Ant-Man loves domestic violence.

So sure, Marvel, make Hank Pym old and have Michael Douglas play him. Have Wasp be dead before the film even starts. Why not? Ant-Man sucks, after all. He’s a stupid hero! All he can do is control ants! Ha, what a loser!

At the end of this trailer, Yellowjacket (who is the villain for some presumably stupid reason) cowers in fear, shielding himself from Thomas the Tank Engine. This is a metaphor for how Marvel plans to move forward with their cinematic universe. Yellowjacket represents Edgar Wright, Joss Whedon, or anyone else who tries to slow them down with independent thought. Thomas the Tank Engine represents the sheer power of corporate greed, and the fact that not even God himself will slow Marvel down.

They’re just getting started.